SCOTUS rules that corporations have religious beliefs.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!

Oklahoma City, OK - Hobby Lobby, buoyed by Monday’s landmark decision by a split Supreme Court which ruled that closely held corporations, whom employ more than half of the American workforce, can be exempted from regulations based on the religious beliefs of the corporation, has announced a new policy to be effective immediately. In a press release the Oklahoma City based craft retailer has announced the reassignment of all women in management positions to either cashier or night stocker if and only if there is at least one male under their leadership. The retailer said this would only affect a portion of the female workforce in general and only 984 of the 989 women in leadership roles. Based on figures obtained from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, men will now hold 7521 of the 7526 managerial positions.

“We’ve prayed about this move for some time now and yesterday’s victory has given us new hope for religious freedom,” said CEO David Green adding that they are also considering a move that will eliminate a co-ed workforce, only allowing women to work during specified female shifts. “This plan would prevent many of the problems associated with co-ed intermingling. What is a man to do but lust and be unproductive when a female coworker is immodestly or provocatively dressed?”

Some of the women effected by this latest decision
expressed displeasure at the company's stance, to which the company released a statement saying that a small minority of hysterical women would not deter their expression of religious liberty.

“I don’t see how this is a legal action by this or any company,” voiced an outraged and overexcited Alice Robison of Naples, FL. “Now I've been demoted to cashier again? I’ve been with [Hobby Lobby] for 7 years and had worked my way up to Section Manager of craft supplies. I was finally starting to make more than the men I supervised. It's just not fair!”

Kyle Duncan, chief attorney for the retailer says this move is well within the new rights afforded the corporation by Monday’s ruling. “It is our belief that the Bible clearly states that wives should submit to their husband and from that, women in general should not have positions of authority over men. This is our religious belief and the Obama administration has attacked our religious freedoms long enough.”